In the heat of the moment, even the most well-intentioned individuals can respond in ways that worsen a conflict. Here are 10 questions that can help foster more emotionally mature, repair-oriented conversations with those we love:

QUESTION 1: “That didn't feel good. What was your intention?”

WHY THIS IS HELPFUL: Instead of assuming malice, this question invites the other person to explain their perspective. It promotes understanding and reduces defensiveness.

QUESTION 2: “I'm feeling defensive. Can you share that in another way?”

WHY THIS IS HELPFUL: Instead of assuming malice, this question invites the other person to explain their perspective. It promotes understanding and reduces defensiveness.

QUESTION 3: “When you said that, I thought it meant ______. Can you clarify?” 

WHY THIS IS HELPFUL: Opens the door for clarification and reduces misunderstandings, ensuring you address what was actually meant.

QUESTION 4: “Are we working toward understanding or just trying to win?”

WHY THIS IS HELPFUL: Shifts the focus from “who’s right” to mutual resolution, reminding both parties of the goal to connect rather than compete.

QUESTION 5: “Can you help me understand what you need right now?” 

WHY THIS IS HELPFUL: Invites the other person to express their needs, creating space for empathy and practical problem-solving.

QUESTION 6: “Do you feel like I'm truly listening to you?”

WHY THIS IS HELPFUL: Shows you care about their voice being heard and gives them the chance to share if they’re feeling ignored or misunderstood.

QUESTION 7: “Is this a misunderstanding, or is there a deeper issue we need to talk about?”

WHY THIS IS HELPFUL: Encourages both of you to identify whether the conflict is about the immediate situation or unresolved issues beneath the surface.

QUESTION 8: “What can we both do to make this feel less hurtful?”

WHY THIS IS HELPFUL: Promotes shared accountability and collaboration in finding a solution that respects both sides.

QUESTION 9: “If roles were reversed, how would you feel in my position?”

WHY THIS IS HELPFUL: Inspires perspective taking, helping the other person empathize with your experience and soften your stance.

QUESTION 10: “What's the one thing you wish I would understand better about this?"

WHY THIS IS HELPFUL: Creates a safe space for other person to express their core feelings, allowing for deeper understanding and resolution. 

Remember: It’s always okay (and helpful!) to ask someone to revisit a conversation later when you both feel calmer.

Grateful credit for the content of this post goes to Ken Alexandar Ishii-Milovanov.

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This blog post was last reviewed or updated on Jan 7, 2025.